Ejism — The One True Faith

🌿 WELCOME TO THE OFFICIAL EJISM PROFILE 🌿 ✦ HE CATCHES ZOOTS. WE ARE SAVED. ✦ 🍃 THREE PULLS THEN PASS 🍃 ⭐ EJ IS ONLINE ⭐ 🌿 HARLESDEN IS MECCA 🌿 ✦ KAY JUDGES YOUR SOUL ✦ 🍁 NO COOKIES. NO AMNESIA. EVER. 🍁 ✦ BATTYMEN FORBIDDEN IN THE TRAP ✦

🍃E J I S M🍃
✦ THE ONE TRUE FAITH — EST. ACTON PARK 2074 ✦

~ He Who Catches Zoots Before They Hit The Ground ~

📖 READ THE HOLY BIBLE OF EJISM — FULL SCRIPTURE ✦ CLICK TO ENTER THE SACRED TEXTS 📖

🎵 Sacred Hymns of Ejism

▶ now playing

Break From Toronto

kmya-estill

1Break From Toronto
kmya-estill

2In Control
NBA YoungBoy

3Ain't Going Be Ok
SlimeGetem

4Sunshine Valley
maaj1

5Saint x Z33kill x Fr33 Theresa
Boolcifer

EJ Alcon

Online Now

Mood: ✦ Everything is fine ✦

📊 Profile Stats

Status	SAVIOUR
Location	Acton Park
Mecca	Harlesden
Founded	2074
Radius	5km
Holy Weight	3.5
Soul Judge	Kay

😊 Current Mood

🌿

Peaceful. Provided for.
Three pulls deep.

🍃 🌿 🍁 🌱 🍃

👥 Top Friends

🌿

Beerus

Moneygrail

💨

Leo

Desperategasp

🔢 Visitors

0420420

blessed visitors

🙏 About EJ — The Saviour of Acton

In the year 2074, the streets of Acton ran dry in the Great Weed Shortage — and despair fell upon the people. But even before the drought, EJ had already been chosen.

Ezekiel James Alcon — known to the faithful as EJ — was blessed with a divine gift: within a 5km radius of wherever he stood, no zoot could fall and be lost. The moment a sacred item slipped from any set of fingers, EJ would feel it in his chest, cease to be where he was, and teleport instantly to catch it — mid-conversation, mid-sleep, mid-anything. He would place it back in the hands of the faithful without a word, and return.

When the Great Drought came, it was this same EJ who dispatched the SlimeTrim to Harlesden — the Holy Mecca — to obtain the sacred 3.5 from the prophet Kay, whose generosity is not merely commerce but divine judgement upon the soul of the buyer.

The circle held. The faith was born. Everything was fine.

🕌 Harlesden — The Holy Mecca of Ejism

Harlesden is the sacred city. All pilgrimages lead here. At its heart stands Kay — the Prophet Dealer, the Soul Judge, the Keeper of the Holy 3.5. What you receive from Kay is not a transaction. It is a spiritual verdict. The weight of your eighth is the weight of your soul. Come correct or come light.

📜 The Sacred Gift — The Teleportation

"And on an unremarkable Tuesday, somewhere in Acton, a zoot slipped. It rotated slowly toward the pavement. And EJ — who was nowhere near, who had not been called, who had simply been sitting — felt it. A pull in the chest. A knowledge without words. And before the thought had finished forming, he was gone. His hand was already open. The zoot landed in his palm. He placed it back. He returned. The witness stood in silence for a long time. Then passed the zoot. Because what else do you do."

— The First Scroll of Alcon, Chapter III

⚖️ The Holy Commandments

I. Three pull, then pass. Always. No exceptions. This is the law.

II. Everything is fine — until it is not. Remain calm accordingly.

III. The zoot must never be bogarted. This is the great heresy.

IV. The holy 3.5 comes only from Kay in Harlesden. This is non-negotiable.

V. Pilgrimage to Harlesden is sacred. What Kay gives you, you deserve.

VI. Greet all Alconites: "Three and pass. EJ provides."

🚫 The Forbidden — Sacred Prohibitions

⛔ Cookies — Strictly forbidden. Heretical strain. Banned by EJ himself. Possession is grounds for excommunication.

⛔ Amnesia — Forbidden. An abomination unto the circle. Any Alconite found smoking Amnesia shall have their pulls revoked.

⛔ Battymen in the trap — Forbidden. The trap is sacred ground. Kay's judgement extends to all who enter his presence.

Only the holy strains, obtained through Kay, blessed by EJ's radius, are acceptable unto the circle.

⭐ The SlimeTrim — Holy Evangelists

Handpicked by EJ. Sent to Harlesden. Bound by brotherhood. Different methods, one mission.

Beerus Moneygrail

First Evangelist

plays with balls
bills frontstraps
carried the twenty

Leonard Desperategasp

Second Evangelist

buys hedi pops snus
bangs the packet
carried the twenty

"Two hands. One mission. Twenty pounds. Harlesden."

📅 Sacred Calendar

Day of the Catch	Commemorates EJ's first teleportation. The circle gathers.
Feast of the Twenty	Alconites pool funds. SlimeTrim honoured. Pilgrimage to Harlesden.
The Dry Fast	One day without. Remember the Great Drought.
The Hour of Fine	Daily stillness. Acknowledge that all is fine.
Kay's Judgement Day	Annual pilgrimage to Harlesden. Face the Soul Judge.

💬 Testimonials from the Faithful

🌿

xX_AlconiteForever_Xx

i dropped a zoot once. blinked. EJ was already there. said nothing. placed it back in my hand. teleported. i have not dropped one since.

Day of the Catch, 2074

🍃

KaysPilgrim99

went to harlesden, came back with a fat 3.5. kay looked at me like he could see through me. apparently that means i have a good soul. blessed.

Post-Drought Era, 2074

💨

ActonParkDevout

my bredren tried to smoke cookies. we had to excommunicate him. he knows what he did. EJ provides, but EJ also has standards.

Feast of the Twenty, 2075